Thursday, June 25, 2009

A cow, a car, and a fairy

These are the three respective images on three respective nursery walls I have stared at as I fed my babies. Mostly I would let my mind wander, sometimes close my eyes, but I would again and again notice the quizzical look in the cow’s eyes, the way the car sticker wasn’t on straight, the fairy who was bigger than her castle.

I’m soppily reminiscing (about wall stickers! That are still on the walls!) because I have given my last breastfeed.

I have found breastfeeding a mixed experience. With my first baby it was sooooo hard and painful and worrying (she didn’t gain weight well) and if somebody KIND had suggested I switch to bottles, I would have. But our public health nurse was bossy and dismissive which just made me stubborn. And the lady from La Leche came to my house, told me I was a good mom, offered loads of advice and kept calling for the next few weeks to see how I was getting on. So I did what she suggested, because she was nice.

The second time around, I knew what I was doing, I had a bigger, hungrier baby (he fed more, gained weight quicker, everyone was happy) and all was great. Until he cut 4 teeth at 5 months, and practiced them on me every chance he got. He would chomp, I would yelp, he would cry and refuse to feed for a day, until I was begging him, for both our sakes.

Then this third baby, who is good as gold in every way (so far) and feeding was no exception. This time round, I’m working more – specifically, leading a toddler group and a Baby Song group. The baby came with me, I would have to sit down to feed her, and often someone would sit down beside me to have a little chat. Maybe it’s because we were sitting side by side instead of face to face (or maybe it’s because I was vulnerable, with my shirt hoiked up) but those would always be the most meaningful, pastoral and spiritual chats, as I sat feeding the baby.

The only thing is I would get very dizzy the first couple minutes of each feed. So dizzy I had to shut my eyes and couldn’t talk. At home, I would just do it, even if I was in mid-sentence. Marcus said it was like a robot shutting down. But I couldn’t do that if someone was wanting to talk to me, so I had to fight to keep my eyes open.

I never covered my baby up with a blanket. I never fed a baby in the bathroom. I wouldn’t ask people if they minded or drew attention to it. I just discretely fed.

And now...sniff…it’s time to move on. I handed her little pajama-ed self to Daddy who was waiting with a cup of warmed milk. I’m a ticking time bomb of hormones now, the next couple weeks or so they will be building up (I plan to go see My Sister’s Keeper this weekend, just to have a good cry) then we’ll all be okay.

Sniff.

3 comments:

Emily Danner 1:15 PM  

Oh Jane, you write your feelings so well. It's hard to move on with the different stages with babies; be gentle with yourself. Every new stage is exciting and fulfilling- just wait until your 9 year old tells you that he was afraid during a thunderstorm and so he prayed. Right from the beginning you meet your child's every need while at the same time preparing him or her to do for themselves. What a balancing act. I don't blame you for sniffin' or having a good cry, there's something very special about nursing a baby- it's amazing, really. Yours are some blessed kids. XO, Your old friend Em

Jo 3:25 PM  

Sigh. I totally get the nostalgia here. And the hormonal craziness that will surely follow. Have that good cry. You've certainly earned it.

jsi 3:37 AM  

You're right about the vulnerability part leading to your most spiritual and pastoral chats. What a depth you have shared about yourself with this stage of your life. Vulnerability brings strength and is usually encouraged best when not facing each other. Or when you are being engaged in an activity which is so filled with life and sustance like breastfeeding the ruit of your own womb.
God has been working through you in the lives of these mothers. Your life is richer because of them and your life is richer because you have done your best to help keep your children alive and nourished.
Isn't it amazing how influencial gentleness, kindness and acceptance can be to people...how such a vital part of child rearing for you was so deeply influenced by the behavior, reactions and encouragement from a caring soul.
Have a blessed day today wrapped up in the knowledge that God knows you by name, has your name carved into the palm of His hand sings over every detail of who you are.

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